December 14, 2004

The Killer Fs

MEMPHIS, Tenn. – I never thought I’d see the day that the Miami Dolphins were as piss poor on the field as the 1980s Green Bay Packers.

With merely a two-and-fucking-eleven record, they’ve beaten only the two-and-fucking-eleven San Francisco 49ers and the St. Louis Rams, who are kicking and scratching to remain in the NFC West hunt at 6-7. What a worthless pile of shit my home football team has become.

I’m not sure Ricky Williams is entirely to blame, or to blame at all. David Boston’s season-ending injury sure didn’t help matters much, but there’s no leadership on the offensive side of the ball anyway. The Dolphins’ offense would aspire to have a quarterback controversy with those two bumbling idiots directing the pigskin.

(Ironically enough, our little pothead has cut his dreads in favor of a short haired, bearded appearance. Doesn’t change anything, Ricky. You’re still a pothead.)

Twice this season I went to the formerly Joe Robbie Stadium for games – as a spectator. And true to form, twice the Fish succeeded in squandering potential game winning drives with game-killing interceptions for touchdowns to, of all teams, the fucking Cardinals and the fucking Bills.

I really feel for the defense, which has a strong leader in Zach Thomas. Ever since the two-platoon system was put in use players rarely played both sides of the ball. But Thomas, Sam Madison and the rest of the defense has to hold up their end as well as try and score points to make up for an anemic offense.

The Dolphins defense of old, the Killer Bs, once struck fear into the hearts of opponents and their fans. Now, the Killer Fs strike fear into our own hearts every time they drop back into a quickly crumbling pocket to look for a receiver.

Just about the only bonus – the only success, ironically – is that because of off of their ineptitudes they’re fighting for that first pick in the draft. I say we use it to start replacing the damn Killer Fs.

- Rich