July 29, 2001

Kellie With an 'ie'

2120 on the tarmac at La Guardia Airport in Queens, N.Y. ...

So, I'm on the rather empty flight from New York back to wretched South Carolina, home of shrimp and grits. I started talking with Kellie, the rather attractive and wonderfully perky flight attendant originally from Orange County, Calif.

The 5 1/2 passengers (one kid) are loaded on the Dornier 328, a plane that looks like it shoud've been a prop job, but someone slapped a couple of jet engines on it instead.

Anyway...

Kellie prepares to give her safety announcement, the one we've all heard more than a million times before take off. Because Kellie is the only flight attendant, I offer to be the disembodied voice for her. (I too can recite the politically correct and rather flat speech from memory -- I nutshelled it for proof and effect.) She then points to a box tucked handily between a bulkhead and the stairs/passenger door and tells me about the convenient button that, when you push it, automatically recites the aforementioned speech with its own bodiless voice.

Somehow, through our laughter-ridden conversation she decides that she'll brave the loudspeaker herself and assures me she can do it.

She did just fine, but forgot the part where she teaches everyone how to buckle and unbuckle their seatbelts. This leaves me with the odd vision of all six of us flailing wildly throughout the cabin during takeoff because we're not strapped down.

What might have made matters worse during her safety brief was that I was covering my mouth in mock laughter through the whole announcement. Probably because her Southern California 'like-ya-know' accent sounded odd while saying, 'In case of a water landing, your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.' It was almost like trying to mentally digest Keanu Reeves doing Shakespere. (He's a fine actor to be sure, but there are some things people should just stay away from.)

The best part came during her suggestion that while seated we keep our seatbelts fastened, but she gave up after chewing words that should flow as feely as 'red leather yellow leather.' Kellie took a breath and exasperatedly said, 'Just keep your seatbelts fastened, okay?'

The flight's not over yet, but I'm sure it'll be tubular the rest of the way.

- Rich